Thursday, February 22, 2007

does clothing really require instructions?

Just a couple of quick observations regarding two very simple fashion accessories, and their grotesque misuse as of late. Sunglasses and scarves. The two serve very distinct purposes, and yet, they confuse people in ways that I cannot begin to understand.

Lets start with scarves. The purpose of a scarf, at least as I have always understood, is to keep one's neck warm. Makes sense, they are generally made of warm, soft materials- have yet to see a scarf made of sand paper- and hit the shelves of most popular stores just before it starts to get cold out. Amazingly, when it starts to warm up, the scarves disappear from the shelves.

Generally, one takes said scarf, when it is cold, and wraps it around their neck, to bridge the gap that the collar of a jacket cannot cover up. And yet- confusion. Lately, I have seen people, many people, wearing these scarves INSIDE, often times, without a jacket. And not just the ladies as some may think, guys too! I mean really, guys? Your killing me here. Scarves are not cool, they are functional at best, they look cute on girls, when they are cold, otherwise they just look retarded. If you are that desperate to wrap something around your neck at all times, I am sure I can come up with a solution for you.

Now, sunglasses. Even easier, sunglasses really only serve a purpose when the sun... is out... and potentially in your eyes. One place this will never happen however, is inside. Label me simple, but I simply do not understand the sudden influx of indoor sunglasses use. It does not make you mysterious, it makes you weird, unless your at a poker table... in which case there is a great chance your still weird.

Rule # 137 - No scarves indoor if your a girl.
Rule # 137a - No decorative scarves if your a guy.
Rule # 84 - Unless your at a poker table, or your Jim McMahon, no sunglasses indoor.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

white is the new dumb.

Having worked at a hat store for over year, I have learned to appreciate the significance that a hat can have on a person's appearance, and at the same time, the volumes it can speak about a personality. As a matter of fact, me and a few of my friends have actually created and tested a full blown "hat theory", that however is a story for another time.

The matter at hand is the over use of white hats. Might seem minor, but next time you are in a bar or a club, take a look around at the sheer number of guys wearing bright, white hats. Generally these hats are accompanied by things like polo shirts and beaded necklaces. My advice to you, obviously, if you own a white hat, put it away, if you are planning on buying one, don't.

Like beaded necklaces, obnoxiously striped polo shirts, faded jeans and other various overused examples of "current style", the white hat in and of itself is not a bad thing, but over the last few months they are EVERYWHERE, and yet- I guess at the same time, we should be grateful.

Why should we be grateful? Because now we don't need to be caught up in a conversation with some dude-guy with all the intuitions of a fencepost before we realize hes a chud. So in the spirit of a social rulebook, no white hats, unless of course you ARE a chud, in which case, break out the bleach.

Rule # 239 - No white hats in bars.