The Mr. Potato Head Effect

Origination :
Location - The Singapore - Bar
Date / Time - June 6th - 9:00 pm
Parties Involved -Dan / Franny / Jimmy

Back Story - It was game one of the 2008 NBA finals and the three of us felt it would be a nice idea to head out to a few of the local watering holes to enjoy the game in a more boisterous environment. Our first stop was the Singapore, specifically the bar, and the crowd was... slightly less than what we had expected.

In about as long as it took to finish our Mai Tai's (which, due to the circumstances was roughly 13 seconds) we were first hand witnesses to the phenomenon known as the Mr. Potato Head Effect.

In the bar (which we should probably point out is located in Fitchburg, MA) there were at any given point 10-15 girls scattered amongst there own individual groups and not only were none of these girls even remotley attractive - they were devoid of any single redeemable quality.

My conclusion you ask?

If it is theoretically impossible to assemble an attractive girl using the parts provided to you by the rest of the females in the room - like a Mr. Potato Head doll - then you have managed to sit yourself square in the middle of the phenomenon known as the Mr. Potato Head effect.

Rule # 49 - If you manage to find yourself in this particular scenario - either find the nearest exit or begin drinking aggressively enough to talk one of your buddies into scoring a number.

save the salmon for capistrano. . .

Carnation, Fuchsia, Magenta, Salmon, Hollywood Cerise, Cherry Blossom, Coral, French Rose, Thulian, Amaranth, Puce, Rowan Berry. . .

No matter how you try to spin it, they still wrap newborn girls in it.

PINK

Nice on flowers, retarded on guys.

Guys, above almost any other rule- you do not wear pink. It's not fashionable, it's not daring, real men do not wear it... real men watch football, fart, go days without showering, study fantasy football for 5 hours straight, play xbox for weeks, skip school to watch march madness, play pickup basketball games while drinking, drive like assholes, scratch, grill outdoors in November, eat $16 of Taco Bell in a single sitting, eat mac and cheese with hot dogs... you get the picture.

It might not always be pretty, but of all the things that a real man does- wear pink is not one of them. Pink shirts, ties, hats, boxers... none are acceptable.

So guys and gals, I implore you, next time you see some retard adorned in some bastard shade of pink, beat him with a bag of doorknobs- its your civil duty.


Rule # 6 - Any guy sporting any pink, is obligated to turn in his man card, and then go play in traffic.

"I'm not sure if you heard me counting. . . I did more than a thousand. . . "

For many- the ultimate in guy-related sleaze is to hit on, or pursue a girl who is too intoxicated to think for herself. She is vulnerable, not in her correct state of mind, merely a shell of who she may actually be- often times, completely unable to defend herself.

Generally, common offenders are guys with no morals, a complete disregard to spoken, and unspoken social rules, and for the most part- absolutely no game.

I am not questioning that this is in fact the sleaziest thing a guy can do, but rather to offer up a similar situation, almost as sleazy, and completely underrated.

We have all seen him, at the gym for hours at a time- most of which is spent admiring himself in the mirror of the free-weight room. Ipod strapped around the bicep, sleeveless shirt- a little notebook in hand. . .

Okay, so that's most guys at the gym, so I will narrow it down a bit. He is also the guy that finds it necessary to hit on every girl trying to workout. These poor girls have to deal with the aggravation of some muscle-bound chud trying to talk to them as they kill themselves on an elliptical machine.

These girls, much like those intoxicated at a bar or party, are often times trapped, cant defend themselves from an onslaught of guys with no game, and even less of a clue to match. Anyone that has ever worked out understands that it can be so exhausting that telling some moron to leave you alone might just not be an option, just as anyone that has had too much to drink can empathize with the fact that what you might be able to identify as a bad idea, doesn't mean you can actually do anything about it.

So for all of you girls trying to get your exercise out there, this is for you. Guys, the ladies are not there for the gun show, couldn't care less that you can lift a truck over your head, and aren't talking to you out of interest, you've simply strategically trapped them on whatever machine they may be using. So for their sakes, and yours, leave them alone.



Rule # 82 - Don't, under any circumstance, ever attempt to hit on a girl at the gym.

The Zebra Effect

Origination :
Location - Irish Times (second floor)
Date / Time - March 2nd
Parties Involved - Dan / Jimmy / Drae / Priscilla

Back Story - The group of four of us were enjoying one another's company on the second floor of Irish Times, throwing back a few soda's doing a bit of people watching, when we realized that for over 2 hours, not a single attractive girl walked past us (not that they would have to go out of there way to do so, in order to get to the club, everyone would have to walk past us at one point.)

After about two hours, a group of girls walked up the steps from the first floor, none of which had any redeemable qualities (not kidding, it was a rough night) except for what I thought was one girl in the group. In typical fashion, I pointed out the girl to the rest of our group, when we all at the same time noticed that she, like the others, was in no way good looking.

What happened you ask?

Apparently, when a group of unattractive girls travel in packs, there is always the risk that all of the ugly can confuse an onlooker, like myself, and possibly lead me to believe that one of them was attractive, much like when a pack of Zebras surround one another to confuse a predator.

Rule # 128 - Beware of the Zebra Affect

moderation, ladies. . .

Guys, ever been in a situation where you see an attractive girl, nicely dressed, seems classy enough, speaks with at least some semblance of intelligence- and then get leveled with a blast of some overly-potent perfume or fragrance spray?

Maybe you haven't, or maybe you have and just never gave any though to it. Either way, it is certainly something worth noting. Just like anything else, the proper smell is something that needs to be achieved through a little thing called moderation.

There is a very distinct difference between a girl that smells good, and a girl that smells TOO good, and it cannot be ignored. I am not proposing that girls should be stinky, please understand that. However, unsuspecting guys everywhere, be aware of the fact that a girl that smells too good, probably smells that way for a reason. They may smell too good to be true.

Which should make anyone nervous, because anyone that needs to make that strong of an effort to smell THAT good, probably either;

1.) smells THAT bad to begin with...
2.) is trying way too hard to bring attention to herself. (consider girls who fake tan entirely too much to be a more prolific example.)

Trust me, you want nothing to do with either scenario.


Rule # 64 - You can't trust a girl that smells TOO good.

keep those collars down

Not every asshole pops their collar, but you can rest assure that everyone who pops their collar is an asshole. To be very blunt- nothing makes me want to kick a puppy more than some chud in a polo with his collar popped up around his ears.

Collar popping has become the international symbol for all things "that guy," and has spread to the point that there are multiple variations of the collar pop. The collar pop has evolved from the classic, single "polo-pop", to the notorious "jacket / polo" combo, more commonly seen in times of cold weather, to the dreaded "double collar pop."

If your popping multiple collars at this point, your full blown to the point where not even Magic Johnson can save you- because not only are you consciously deciding to wear a polo as an undershirt (retarded), but one collar is simply not enough to contain how much of a complete tool you really are.

Rule # 13 - Under no circumstances shall your collar ever be popped.

does clothing really require instructions?

Just a couple of quick observations regarding two very simple fashion accessories, and their grotesque misuse as of late. Sunglasses and scarves. The two serve very distinct purposes, and yet, they confuse people in ways that I cannot begin to understand.

Lets start with scarves. The purpose of a scarf, at least as I have always understood, is to keep one's neck warm. Makes sense, they are generally made of warm, soft materials- have yet to see a scarf made of sand paper- and hit the shelves of most popular stores just before it starts to get cold out. Amazingly, when it starts to warm up, the scarves disappear from the shelves.

Generally, one takes said scarf, when it is cold, and wraps it around their neck, to bridge the gap that the collar of a jacket cannot cover up. And yet- confusion. Lately, I have seen people, many people, wearing these scarves INSIDE, often times, without a jacket. And not just the ladies as some may think, guys too! I mean really, guys? Your killing me here. Scarves are not cool, they are functional at best, they look cute on girls, when they are cold, otherwise they just look retarded. If you are that desperate to wrap something around your neck at all times, I am sure I can come up with a solution for you.

Now, sunglasses. Even easier, sunglasses really only serve a purpose when the sun... is out... and potentially in your eyes. One place this will never happen however, is inside. Label me simple, but I simply do not understand the sudden influx of indoor sunglasses use. It does not make you mysterious, it makes you weird, unless your at a poker table... in which case there is a great chance your still weird.

Rule # 137 - No scarves indoor if your a girl.
Rule # 137a - No decorative scarves if your a guy.
Rule # 84 - Unless your at a poker table, or your Jim McMahon, no sunglasses indoor.

white is the new dumb.

Having worked at a hat store for over year, I have learned to appreciate the significance that a hat can have on a person's appearance, and at the same time, the volumes it can speak about a personality. As a matter of fact, me and a few of my friends have actually created and tested a full blown "hat theory", that however is a story for another time.

The matter at hand is the over use of white hats. Might seem minor, but next time you are in a bar or a club, take a look around at the sheer number of guys wearing bright, white hats. Generally these hats are accompanied by things like polo shirts and beaded necklaces. My advice to you, obviously, if you own a white hat, put it away, if you are planning on buying one, don't.

Like beaded necklaces, obnoxiously striped polo shirts, faded jeans and other various overused examples of "current style", the white hat in and of itself is not a bad thing, but over the last few months they are EVERYWHERE, and yet- I guess at the same time, we should be grateful.

Why should we be grateful? Because now we don't need to be caught up in a conversation with some dude-guy with all the intuitions of a fencepost before we realize hes a chud. So in the spirit of a social rulebook, no white hats, unless of course you ARE a chud, in which case, break out the bleach.

Rule # 239 - No white hats in bars.